Everyone makes that resolution to lose weight, and for many, that means a brand, spankin’ new gym membership. You’ve been inspired by The Biggest Loser, Stacey and Clinton’s admonishment to never wear pants with an elastic waist, the delusional idea that at 40 there’s still no reason why you can’t be that gorgeous frat boy everybody wants, or just the fact that you can’t look at yourself in the mirror without wanting to throw up. Regardless of the reason, this year it’s going to stick. This year, if you ever run into Jillian Michaels, she’s going to be simply awestruck at how beautiful you are.

In order to do that, you probably know you’ll need to figure some things out. Most gym newbies are more concerned with learning how to use machines, where the showers are, and figuring out what time they’re going to have to get up to be there before work. However, the MOST important thing – and the most often neglected thing – is to learn the rules of etiquette in the gym. And they’re not the same as real life etiquette rules.

Gym etiquette is not the kind of etiquette that’s optional, like some Emily Post wedding formalities. It’s not optional because if you are “that guy” or “that girl” in the gym, experienced gym goers will hate you. This is important because if you are doing something that can hurt you, you want someone experienced to say something. If you are “that guy” or “that girl” – they’ll just film your atrocious form on their cell phone, post it to YouTube, and laugh when your face gets “road rash” from the treadmill.

Read on to avoid becoming a person who has a very, very not-positive nickname in your new gym.

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The Czarina is going to assume that you know that being overweight is bad for you. However, if you are like her, you also know that food = love and eating = pleasure. (Especially doughnuts. Aiiii, Krispy Kreme…how can you do this to the Czarina?) Unfortunately, food also equals calorie intake. So what’s a food lover to do when the object of his or her affection can be an immoderate paramour?

The following ideas for reducing your calorie intake without you noticing too much are born of trial and error. Some of them might not work for you. But then again, they might. Like any behavior change these strategies feel artificial at first, but based on my experience I now do these things out of habit. The current obesity epidemic is built upon a foundation of small, unhealthy, and negative changes. And it’s small but positive changes that will allow us to swing back towards moderation. And everything should be in moderation (including moderation), my dear Citizens.

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The Czar is a cyclist, which was one of the reasons why I was attracted to him. I didn’t bike myself, but it seemed like a good opportunity to do things together. As I got into it, I started getting frustrated that there were items like this in circulation. Everything seemed to be pink, and not in a good, breast-cancer-awareness way. Cycling shops even stock pink tire pumps. Geezus. Just because I’m female doesn’t mean I lurrrve pink. Or baby chicks.

Should you be currently inspired by the Tour de France (and the Czarina can honestly say she is very…um… “inspired” by the entrants’ beautiful butts, legs, and arms) there is no reason to wear jerseys that are ugly or infantilizing.

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