Another year, another birthday that isn’t your Czarina’s. I haven’t had a birthday since my 29th.

What?

Not having birthdays doesn’t stop me from asking for birthday presents, though…usually in the form of something from Mulberry. But we’re not talking about my contorted and highly rule-intensive birthday construct for myself. We’re talking about the Czar’s birthday, and the distinct WTFery that danced on the periphery. It’s going to be a weird year.

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Maitre D’ at L’Idiot: Your usual table, Mr. Christopher?
Carlo Christopher: No, I’d like a good one this time.
Maitre D’ at L’Idiot: I’m sorry, that is impossible.
Carlo Christopher: Part of the new cruelty?
Maitre D’ at L’Idiot: I’m afraid so.

– LA Story (1991)

Dear Chef Carlson,

I’m so not into The New Cruelty.

Which is why I think the whole hoopla about the difficulty getting reservations at Schwa is so ridiculous. Chicago’s food reviewers love you, Chef Michael Carlson, and I know that Food and Wine magazine named you as one of the best new chefs for 2006. It’s theoretically cool that the chefs are to be your waiters as well.

However, there is a reason that chefs are chefs and waiters are waiters. You dudes need serious front-of-house guys. Why don’t you call Stephen Aspirino for ideas? Right now his attitude is less objectionable than yours. I do NOT find a chronically full voice mail box cool or edgy. Added to no call-backs from said voice mail (if one actually does get to leave a message), it enters into WTF territory.

I find this approach to chefery just stupid. While you will always have people who think such obstacles are a challenge and evidence that they are just soooper-cool to get a reservation at a cutting edge restaurant, these are the kowtowed victims of The New Cruelty and they deserve our sympathy. They don’t last. And if you want your restaurant to last, you better get off your butt and make ordinary folk with boring, ordinary cash feel welcome.

As one seasoned diner on Metromix said:

Let me preface this by stating that I have lived in the city for 15 yrs and have dined at most 3-4 star places in Chicago and many around the world. I have been to Tru, Trotters, Everest, mk, Spring, One Sixty Blue, Green Zebra, all of the Kleiner places, you name it. I know restaurants. …Regarding the “reservation” process - I had the suspicion we were bumped several times for their buddies or other people in their industry and it was confirmed after being there. Everyone (the other 10 people) all seemed to be more casual about the whole situation - they didn’t appear to have waited 3 months for their table (from overhearing conversations). Trust me, the people that were not his friends (we were literally sitting on top of everyone, so you heard everything), were not happy at all with their food, service, nor the experience.

As my dad, a small business owner, says, “You need your pots and pans business to stay in business.” Namely, your steady stream of customers who are loyal – but not necessarily glittery – are essential for longevity.

Well, Chef Rudy McRude, when Duchess J and I stopped by attempting to get a reservation you were admittedly not obnoxious but just admonished us to call the “reservation line” and said you couldn’t help us. Duchess J started complaining she’d tried that already and we told you we lived in your neighborhood (see “pots and pans” above). I was too busy reading in your face that you really would rather be in the kitchen than dealing with people. I accept the fact that chefs are chefs and their genius is in the kitchen. I would not expect them to be…oh, psychologists, for instance. Or marketers. So why don’t you accept it? Why do you think you can run a place without seasoned front of house people? I wouldn’t expect artists to be excellent business managers, and when I meet one that can actually balance a checkbook I’m astonished. Embrace your genius and limitations!

Trotter and his ilk (along with their chef-chasing hanger-ons) may love you now, but how often are they going to eat there? Admittedly I’m no one special. But I do have enough money to eat there. Repeatedly.

Oh well. Guess I’ll be going elsewhere.

No love,

Czarina

P.S. I think your presentation style looks like someone barfed on a plate. You probably could have spent a bit more time learning from Achatz in that regard.

Our entire New York trip, the Czarina is convinced, consisted of merely floating from meal to meal. Don’t get me wrong, we occasionally indulged in NYC-specific consumeristic impulse buying. But overall, this trip was all about the food.

We were able to secure reservations for Adour, Alain Ducasse’s new restaurant, at a decent dinner hour only by calling the concierge at the St. Regis, where we were staying. Previously, we had attempted to get reservations through Open Table, and wound up with a 6:30 reservation. Ew.

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Some of you may remember that the Czarina resolved to try new and exotic foods this year:

Resolution the FIFTH: I will try something I wouldn’t otherwise try this year. Maybe blowfish, or perhaps unagi.

I suppose you can see where this is going already.

But, in an attempt to string you along, I thought I would talk a bit about Sushi Yasuda, the restaurant at which the drama unfolded. We gave the sushi chefs free rein to give us whatever they felt moved to give us, with only a couple of exceptions. The Czar doesn’t like eel (unagi), and blowfish is illegal in the US, so that was out.

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I can’t think of a more deserving grape for an honorary festival than Pinot Noir. Master Sommelier Madeline Triffon calls Pinot “sex in a glass“. The wine tends to be light, demonstrate amazing texture, and have a varied nose. Aromas identified in Pinot can include lavender, violets, berries, and/or woodsy smells.

According to Professional Friends of Wine, the grape has been frequently decried as tempermental, which, of course, makes it dear to the heart of the similarly mercurial Czarina. A main problem that plagues Pinot Noir is the tendency for it to give birth to ungrateful and rebellious Pinot children who are nothing like their parents in size, shape, and/or taste. This happens fairly often because the plant is genetically unstable, and the ensuing family drama makes the grape decidedly not the darling of vitners. Other issues that make Pinot Noir less than desirable for those wishing to exploit it for money include its disease proneness in the vineyard and difficulties with fermentation in the winery. It is, however, the grape that theoretically provides the most health benefits, because it is very high in Resveratrol.

Pinot’s devotees have brought Pinot Days to Chicago. Pinot Days will begin with a Grand Festival on Saturday November 10th from 1-4 pm at Navy Pier’s Lakeview Terrace. The Grand Tasting will be attended by more than 50 producers. More than 150 Pinots from Oregon, California, New Zealand and Burgundy will be available for tasting, and you can meet the winemakers as well.

Festivities run the gamut from a celebration at Bin 36 on Thursday November 8th, to a Winemaker’s Dinner at 312 Chicago Restaurant on Friday, November 9th, to events at Sam’s Wine. Check out the Pinot Days home page and bask in the knowledge that the organizers decided to have the festival here before they took it to NYC or San Francisco!

You can order tickets to the different events here. Prices vary depending on the event.