Another year, another birthday that isn’t your Czarina’s. I haven’t had a birthday since my 29th.

What?

Not having birthdays doesn’t stop me from asking for birthday presents, though…usually in the form of something from Mulberry. But we’re not talking about my contorted and highly rule-intensive birthday construct for myself. We’re talking about the Czar’s birthday, and the distinct WTFery that danced on the periphery. It’s going to be a weird year.

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Maitre D’ at L’Idiot: Your usual table, Mr. Christopher?
Carlo Christopher: No, I’d like a good one this time.
Maitre D’ at L’Idiot: I’m sorry, that is impossible.
Carlo Christopher: Part of the new cruelty?
Maitre D’ at L’Idiot: I’m afraid so.

– LA Story (1991)

Dear Chef Carlson,

I’m so not into The New Cruelty.

Which is why I think the whole hoopla about the difficulty getting reservations at Schwa is so ridiculous. Chicago’s food reviewers love you, Chef Michael Carlson, and I know that Food and Wine magazine named you as one of the best new chefs for 2006. It’s theoretically cool that the chefs are to be your waiters as well.

However, there is a reason that chefs are chefs and waiters are waiters. You dudes need serious front-of-house guys. Why don’t you call Stephen Aspirino for ideas? Right now his attitude is less objectionable than yours. I do NOT find a chronically full voice mail box cool or edgy. Added to no call-backs from said voice mail (if one actually does get to leave a message), it enters into WTF territory.

I find this approach to chefery just stupid. While you will always have people who think such obstacles are a challenge and evidence that they are just soooper-cool to get a reservation at a cutting edge restaurant, these are the kowtowed victims of The New Cruelty and they deserve our sympathy. They don’t last. And if you want your restaurant to last, you better get off your butt and make ordinary folk with boring, ordinary cash feel welcome.

As one seasoned diner on Metromix said:

Let me preface this by stating that I have lived in the city for 15 yrs and have dined at most 3-4 star places in Chicago and many around the world. I have been to Tru, Trotters, Everest, mk, Spring, One Sixty Blue, Green Zebra, all of the Kleiner places, you name it. I know restaurants. …Regarding the “reservation” process - I had the suspicion we were bumped several times for their buddies or other people in their industry and it was confirmed after being there. Everyone (the other 10 people) all seemed to be more casual about the whole situation - they didn’t appear to have waited 3 months for their table (from overhearing conversations). Trust me, the people that were not his friends (we were literally sitting on top of everyone, so you heard everything), were not happy at all with their food, service, nor the experience.

As my dad, a small business owner, says, “You need your pots and pans business to stay in business.” Namely, your steady stream of customers who are loyal – but not necessarily glittery – are essential for longevity.

Well, Chef Rudy McRude, when Duchess J and I stopped by attempting to get a reservation you were admittedly not obnoxious but just admonished us to call the “reservation line” and said you couldn’t help us. Duchess J started complaining she’d tried that already and we told you we lived in your neighborhood (see “pots and pans” above). I was too busy reading in your face that you really would rather be in the kitchen than dealing with people. I accept the fact that chefs are chefs and their genius is in the kitchen. I would not expect them to be…oh, psychologists, for instance. Or marketers. So why don’t you accept it? Why do you think you can run a place without seasoned front of house people? I wouldn’t expect artists to be excellent business managers, and when I meet one that can actually balance a checkbook I’m astonished. Embrace your genius and limitations!

Trotter and his ilk (along with their chef-chasing hanger-ons) may love you now, but how often are they going to eat there? Admittedly I’m no one special. But I do have enough money to eat there. Repeatedly.

Oh well. Guess I’ll be going elsewhere.

No love,

Czarina

P.S. I think your presentation style looks like someone barfed on a plate. You probably could have spent a bit more time learning from Achatz in that regard.

Seventy restaurants are offering three-course prix-fixe menus for lunch and/or dinner the week of February 24th through February 28th. Lunch menus are $21.95 and dinner is $31.95. Some of the good deals include Aria, China Grill, Naha, The Peninsula, The Four Seasons, and OneSixtyBlue.

See www.choosechicago.com/eatitup for more details!

Chef Vivant runs Vie, a restaurant in Western Springs. He will teach you how to cook an Easter meal, and then you get to have a three course lunch with him! Chef Vivant won Best New Chef in 2007 from Food and Wine Magazine. His philosophy includes supporting local food producers and using seasonal produce whenever possible.

Yes, it’s a hike, but it’s worth it. The event takes place on March 10th, from 9:45 am to 1:30 pm. Call the restaurant for more details at 708-246-2082.

Our entire New York trip, the Czarina is convinced, consisted of merely floating from meal to meal. Don’t get me wrong, we occasionally indulged in NYC-specific consumeristic impulse buying. But overall, this trip was all about the food.

We were able to secure reservations for Adour, Alain Ducasse’s new restaurant, at a decent dinner hour only by calling the concierge at the St. Regis, where we were staying. Previously, we had attempted to get reservations through Open Table, and wound up with a 6:30 reservation. Ew.

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