I suppose I have to give it to Whole Foods’ slick marketing gurus – it’s a genius of an idea. Practically force someone to donate to the charity of the week by manipulating the controls of a psychological Playstation.

Whole Foods Market has a reusable bag refund. It’s like nothing. 10 cents per bag. Bring three bags, it’s still only 30 cents. But hey, you are getting some kind of reward for being green, no matter how small, right?

You’re checking out, and the cashier looks at you meaningfully, and says, “would you like to donate your reusable bag credit to X Children’s Hospital?

You’re now standing there, being looked at expectantly by people in line and by the cashier. And it’s only 30 cents. And it’s not even like you have to dig in that pocket for your 30 cents. You don’t technically HAVE that 30 cents – it’s a bonus.

You pause.

In that pause you already feel the people in line staring.

Irritated, but feeling pressured, you say, in a small, squeeky, and 100% insincere voice, “sure.”

You are irritated because you know that this children’s hospital is part of an extremely WELL FUNDED, MAGNET HOSPITAL SYSTEM THAT CONSTANTLY GETS IN TROUBLE FOR NOT PROVIDING ENOUGH CHARITY CARE AND PROVIDES PISS POOR CARE TO UNINSURED AND UNDERINSURED FOLKS.

*ahem*

Then you think, “well, I’m sure the extortion is temporary. I’m sure next time I come it’ll be a different charity, or this one will be over.”

And yet, go back two weeks later and you’re asked the same question, in exactly the same circumstances. People staring at you expectantly again, meaning no matter how you phrase it, people will hear your refusal in this way:

NO. I don’t want to help sick children. I don’t give a crap about sick children, and I WANT MY GOD—N THIRTY CENTS. I’M SO FUGGING CHEAP I WANT MY MEASLY THIRTY CENTS OVER HELPING SICK CHILDREN.

How much of an ogre do you look like if you do say no?

Hospital system, you don’t need my freaking 30 cents. You know it, and I know it.

Genius. And pure evil.

I’m impressed, in a really, really annoyed way.

P.S. Dear Citizens, if you are looking for a charity you can trust to spend your dollars wisely, check out Charity Navigator. They rate charities by how they spend your dollars.