Everyone makes that resolution to lose weight, and for many, that means a brand, spankin’ new gym membership. You’ve been inspired by The Biggest Loser, Stacey and Clinton’s admonishment to never wear pants with an elastic waist, the delusional idea that at 40 there’s still no reason why you can’t be that gorgeous frat boy everybody wants, or just the fact that you can’t look at yourself in the mirror without wanting to throw up. Regardless of the reason, this year it’s going to stick. This year, if you ever run into Jillian Michaels, she’s going to be simply awestruck at how beautiful you are.

In order to do that, you probably know you’ll need to figure some things out. Most gym newbies are more concerned with learning how to use machines, where the showers are, and figuring out what time they’re going to have to get up to be there before work. However, the MOST important thing – and the most often neglected thing – is to learn the rules of etiquette in the gym. And they’re not the same as real life etiquette rules.

Gym etiquette is not the kind of etiquette that’s optional, like some Emily Post wedding formalities. It’s not optional because if you are “that guy” or “that girl” in the gym, experienced gym goers will hate you. This is important because if you are doing something that can hurt you, you want someone experienced to say something. If you are “that guy” or “that girl” – they’ll just film your atrocious form on their cell phone, post it to YouTube, and laugh when your face gets “road rash” from the treadmill.

Read on to avoid becoming a person who has a very, very not-positive nickname in your new gym.

Follow up:

First, a disclaimer: None of these things are meant to scare you off from starting an exercise program. Most people really don’t care about other people in a serious gym – they’re there to work out, not to find a life partner or friends, and they won’t pay any attention to you unless you’re up in their space in some way. Typically, if a relationship develops from gym contact, it is the result of getting to know the other gym members over a long period of time.

It is definitely hard to change your lifestyle, and that in itself garners respect for you, so please try and remember that and don’t get too self-conscious. The Czarina is only asking you to take it one step further and respect the natives in your quest for personal change.

As far as her authority in the matter, the Czarina has been using the gym – and strength training – since she was a sophomore in high school. She has trained with several good trainers (and some not so good ones), and belonged to powerlifter’s gyms, neighborhood gyms, and large chain gyms (three chains, to be exact) at varying points in time. So trust her, she has seen and experienced quite a few violations of etiquette and seen the unfortunate results. She is not a certified personal trainer, however.

Rule #1: Do not hog the cardio equipment!

Check with your gym and determine the gym’s maximum amount of time on a piece of cardio equipment. Chances are it is 30 minutes.

If you are not familiar with fitness program myths, the idea may enter into your head that one hour on the treadmill, elliptical, or bike will solve all of your problems. (For varying reasons, more does not equal better.) As you climb on your favorite piece of equipment, you, as a newb, will break out your InStyle or Men’s Fitness mag, and stay on the treadmill for a very, very long time. This makes people who engage in interval training angry because all of the cardio equipment is taken up by people walking very slowly and reading.

As an aside, if you were really working on that treadmill, you wouldn’t be able to read. In fact, it’s a good rule of thumb that if you are reading as you work on any type of equipment, you’re not working hard enough. There has been much discussion about how “steady state cardio sucks” and interval training will get you to your goals faster anyway.

The somewhat derogatory name for women who hog the cardio equipment and never touch a weight machine is “Cardio Queen.” You don’t want to be a Cardio Queen – weight lifting is good for preventing osteoporosis anyway.

Rule #2: Do not perpetually claim a bench or piece of equipment by throwing your towel on it.

Doing a few repetitions, wandering off, and expecting people to save your bench for you by leaving your towel there is the epitome of rude. If someone comes up to you and asks to “work in,” the polite response is to say yes. This means that while you rest, the other person is doing his or her reps, and when they rest, you are doing your reps.

The flip side of working in is that you must ask first. As one workout veteran puts it on a Internet chat board:

Nothing ticks me off more than when someone sees you using a piece of equipment and when you are finished your set they proceed to remove what you are using or start taking your plates off BEFORE they ask if you are finished or not!!!

Rule #3: Do not throw your free weights on the floor between sets, do not collect many different weights thereby keeping others from using them, and make sure the weights are always under your control.

The free weight section of your gym – and your gym needs to have one, because if it doesn’t it’s not a real gym – is probably the place with the most potential for rule violation.

A few days ago at the gym, the Czarina heard banging upstairs as she ran on the treadmill below. The bang was so intense she wondered if the weights she knew some guy was dropping would crash through the floor. Not only does dropping weights make you look like a serious jerk with a “look at me” streak, it also wrecks the equipment. If you can’t place it on the floor or back in the rack nicely, it’s too heavy for you.

During this same visit, the Czarina was doing some overhead tricep presses when two newbies (the inspiration for this post, thank you dearies) jumped in front of her, blocked her view of her form, picked up one pound dumbbells, and started flinging them around. One almost clocked her in the face. The newb didn’t even notice the warning look the Czarina shot her because she was too busy chatting with her equally clueless friend.

ALWAYS RETURN THE WEIGHTS YOU USE TO THEIR PROPER PLACE. This includes plates on machines and free weights.

Rule #4: Wipe your machine or bench when you’re done with it.

Leaving a puddle of sweat for someone else is rude, rude, rude. Pure and simple.

Rule #5: For the love of whatever you find holy, make sure you don’t stink.

Have some empathy for the people trapped in the room with you. Get some hard core sports deodorant if you tend to be fragrant. Nothing is worse than trying to run when you are breathing toxic fumes. Another side note: when people are really exerting themselves, some may tend to fart. So don’t eat things that make you fart before you go to the gym just in case. And just because you can’t hear it because you have your iPod on doesn’t mean other people can’t.

In line with this rule, do NOT wear perfume or cologne, as many people are allergic and/or they will hate the way you smell.

Rule #6: Admire yourself at home.

Again from an Internet chatboard focused on fitness:

The other day in the gym a guy was admiring himself in the mirror (tight white tank top and all). While he was checking himself out he tripped over a bench that he did not see - fell flat on his butt much to the amusement of the entire gym!!!!

Nothing makes people laugh more than some guy flexing in front of a mirror and generally loving on himself. I say “guy” because I think this tends to be more of a guy problem. I have been guilty of checking my butt in a mirror because I don’t like it, but that means that technically I’m violating the rule. The mirrors are there to make sure you are using proper form, not to tell you you’re the fairest in the land.

A related rule, as can be seen in the newb-barging episode above, is that you should never block someone’s view of themselves in the mirror when they’re lifting. That means you don’t walk in front of them to get more weights. Walk behind them on your way to someplace else or wait until they finish a set (a group of repetitions).

This social dance plays out this way: The Czarina had to wait to pick up a weight while a guy worked out in front of the mirror. He apologized to her for making her wait, but ultimately he had the right of way, so the proper answer to him was “no, no problem!”

Rule #7: Unless you belong to a gym well known for its “scene", if you get all dolled up you will look silly.

Nothing brands you as someone who is there for frivolous reasons faster than showing up with lipstick, earrings and curled eyelashes. Does this mean you have to look terrible? Not at all. Invest in some clothing that not only looks good but is also functional. Make sure you take a look at some fitness magazines before you choose your workout clothes. The leotards and MC Hammer pants you used in the 80s are not acceptable.

The Czarina buys her gear from Activa and Road Runner Sports. She highly recommends joining Activa as a Diva to get free returns and discounts. Because, of course, it’s all about the proper clothes!

Rule #8: People can, and do, listen in on your cell phone conversation about your one night stand. Shut. up.

You shouldn’t have your cell phone on you anyway, unless you’re a trauma surgeon or a close family member is going to give birth at any minute. When you start loudly telling your friend Brittany all about that guy you OMG hooked up with last night from that stanky bar with the hairy back who was soooo gross but he didn’t even stick around until morning and who does he think he is anyway but you’re desperate and your standards are lower!, your fellow gym-goers listen to this and laugh at you to avoid killing you in annoyance. Again, if you can talk on your cell phone at the gym, you’re not working hard enough. Wait until you get home to complain about how you’re never going to meet anyone special and how all men (or women) suck.

Rule #9: If you want to ask someone about their fitness program or what they did to get those amazing shoulders, wait until between sets.

Most people don’t mind talking about themselves, because that’s a human nature thing. But they do mind being interrupted when they’re concentrating. Wait until a suitable break to ask that guy about his amazing squat form.

Rule #10: Don’t make negative comments about other people’s weight.

They can hear you. And it marks you as a gossip, and a superficial, stuck-in-seventh-grade idiot. This should be obvious, but unfortunately it obviously isn’t. The person you are whispering to may laugh but they’re most likely planning to avoid you in the future.

Rule #11: Grunting does not make you stronger.

I can’t decide if this actually bothers me or not, but there is one individual who makes the loudest grunting noise mixed with pregnancy breathing.

Yesterday, I wanted to use the squat rack. While waiting, I listened to the lovely sounds of Grunt Man. He made the most horrendous noises. I started laughing. I couldn’t hold back. I guess I should feel some remorse for laughing at him, but I don’t. The noises became so awful that one of the desk assistants turned up the music in the gym.

Note the use of an unflattering moniker – this guy is forever known as “Grunt Man.” Every now and then, a noise of exertion is not a big deal. But regardless of what you see on The Biggest Loser, continually yelling is viewed as a sophomoric attention-getting measure.

Rule #12: Do not take an entourage to the gym with you.

A huge group working out together simply does not function in a useful way unless it is a class. At the maximum, bring one work out buddy. An entire group clogs up entire areas of the gym – and the group usually turns into a chat fest rather than a whole-hearted effort at getting fit.

Rule #13: Don’t wander like a Lost Boy.

Have a plan before you get to the gym. Not only is that good for your program, but it also keeps you from engaging in #2, #8, #9, and #10. If you are new to the whole strength training bit, the Czarina recommends The New Rules of Lifting for Women: Lift Like a Man, Look Like a Goddess. The book spends a lot of time dealing with the myth that if you lift any more than one pound dumbbells you will bulk up. Please, ladies, stop worrying about that. You’re only cheating yourself out of a slamming body. There is a version of the book for men as well.

Rule #14: Don’t stare.

For the women reading this, complying with this rule probably won’t take too much effort. I’m including #14 because it’s important for women to know that there are etiquette rules for men, and nice men find staring at women offensive:

Every gym has at least one of these guys, whose sole purpose at the gym is to search for someone to rub up against. His habits of constantly leering at, hitting on, or “accidentally” bumping into the female members make him a nuisance. One of these days he’s going to bump the wrong girl and end up with a 25 lb plate sticking in the side of his head.

– from www.bodybuilding.com

The significance of this rule is that you, as a woman, should not be intimidated if you want to go into the free-weight room with the men. The vast majority of men will not bother you and do not approve of Pervy McPerv’s behavior. If someone does pester you and doesn’t respond to a brush off, you are well within your rights to complain to gym management.

And finally:

Rule #15: Pay it forward.

If you stick with it, and you will, because this is your year, help out newbs in the future who genuinely need help and appear to appreciate help. The large majority of gym people don’t care about a few little mistakes as you learn. It’s just the enduring bad reputation (and nickname) you’re trying to avoid. Again, it is admirable to walk into the gym with a mindset to improve your life. It’s scary, it’s intimidating, and as you can see, there are a lot of written and unwritten rules to learn. One day you will see someone making a mistake and you will be in the position to help that person with the deer-in-headlights look, or not. And as you have already guessed, your decision will most likely depend on that person’s historical adherence to the rules of etiquette. In that moment – congratulations – you are no longer a newb. You belong.